Go Pear Shaped
by cheese on Toast
Summary: In which Cedric Diggory gets relocated to Forks, Washington by the Wizarding Protection Program after almost getting hit by the killing curse, and he decides to write to Harry Potter to lament about the state of his life now.


(I was looking around on forums on amazon, and came across someone who thought that Cedric and Harry became penpals during Twilight. And the ball just started rolling, and I just went with it :D I think this turned out quite nicely, on a whole :D)

_the whole situation had gone quite pear-Shaped.__

* * *

_

_Dear Harry- _

_For the record, I really hate my life._

_I really, really, really do._

_The Wizard Protection Program couldn't have done a better job, could they? They could've relocated me anywhere after that killing curse wound up missing- they could've sent me to Australia! Or even Mexico! I hear it's nice there!_

_It's probably nice anywhere but where I am right now, Harry. _

_The Wizard Protection Program- damned be their name- decided to send me to a pseudo-quaint little place called Forks, Washington._

_Forks. How those kitchen utensils must be shamed, having their name used in such a disgraceful town as this one. _

_They also decided to make me a vampire. What absolutely lovely sentiments after everything I've done in my life, they make me a bloody vampire!_

_And not like those really dashing ones either, you know, like that Sanguini dude, or like Dracula, or anything like that. I mean, now, I __**sparkle, **__for the love of God! I- I sparkle! I'm like a human disco ball with fangs! _

_And the family I live with- they're blatant idiots! Emmet is like a combination between a troll and Cormac McLaggen, though I'm not sure which part of him is worse, Rosalie is like Pansy Parkinson on cocaine, Alice is sort of like Professor Trelawney, only most certainly not as weird and quite a bit shorter, and Jasper's like Blaise Zabini, only not as gender-confused and annoying. _

_My so-called 'parents'- Carlisle and Esme- are sort of sane, though most completely not. I mean, Carlisle works as a doctor, and not even a magical one. He uses this strange thing called stitching, which is apparently not just used for knitting anymore? And every time some new patient comes in he does the whole 'flip-the-hair' routine and the patient forgets what was wrong with themselves and flounces off! I don't know what to make of that! _

_And Esme is probably the most senseless and smothering mother figure in the history of mother figures. Even you wouldn't like her, Harry. She makes Malfoy's mother look like a saint, which I'm quite positive she's not. _

_And don't even get me started on this girl who's started clinging to me like Eloise Midgeon to a tube of Acne-Fixer. _

_First off, her name is Bella. Bella Swan. And she makes Millicent Bulstrode look like the smartest girl on earth. She won't leave me alone! I've tried telling her to buzz off as politely as possible, I mean, I even went the whole dramatic route and did a whole, "What if I'm not the good guy?" routine, and she comes back with this near sob-story about how she doesn't really give a flying fig about it. _

…_she smells absolutely wretched, too. If my nose shrivels up anymore people are going to be mistaking me for You-Know-Who._

_If I could read her thoughts, they'd probably all be centered around me, too, which I find dreadfully disturbing. I mean, I catch her staring at me all the time and it's quite painful. Does that girl not have anything else to look at? There are some perfectly fine other guys strutting about the school who feel like shacking up with her, why can't she go appease their wishes? I mean, she looks like she would. She honestly does. She looks like a real prostitute at times, too. Or at least like she's absolutely on something. Probably snuffed doxy eggs or something. Something wretched. _

_She's clumsy, too, which I believe she considers a flaw, but I just find that really quite baseless and stupid. And has the strangest reactions ever to blood. She brings shame to hemophobics. _

_And she's clingy! And stupid! And inane, and- and oblivious! She almost got hit by a car and since I was there at the time I felt the need to stop the car. If I hadn't, I most likely would've been blamed for it in some way by her father. He's a feisty man, he is. _

_She's just….uggg. She's the most annoying girl I've ever had the misfortune to know in my entire life, and to sit next to in class, and to have fawn over me and think about me all the time._

_It's disturbing, really. Really, really, really disturbing. I mean, all this time I thought I was actually quite a nice person, but every time I see this girl now I feel like strangling her. It's quite demeaning._

_If I knew that something like this was going to happen to me, Merlin, I would've let that killing curse hit me. It's all gone pear-shaped, Harry. _

_So, Harry, I hope you're having a bloody wonderful time over in England, and, for the love of Merlin and all things holy, please come and rescue me at your next available time slot. I know you're busy with the whole You-Know-Who thing, but I have reason to believe that if I try and tell this girl myself that I'm leaving, she'll be public enemy number two, right below You-Know-Who. _

_Another dreadful thought, really._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Cedric Diggory/Edward Cullen/Man-Who-Wishes-To-Go-Back-To-Hogwarts-With-A-Burning-Passion _

Harry finishes reading the last few lines of Cedric's letter, muffling laughter behind his hand as he sets it back down on his desk. Swallowing the mirthful exclamations rising in his throat, he digs out a piece of parchment from within the catacomb of desk drawers along with his quill, thinking for a moment before setting it down to write.

He tries his best to be sympathetic to the situation.

Or at least mildly polite.

_Dear Cedric-_

_You really got screwed over, didn't you? _

_I wouldn't worry much if I were you, Cedric. It sounds as if the girl just needs a simple cheering-charm. Or maybe a good memory wipe. And perhaps you should move._

_Far, far away. _

_However, if that situation is quite impossible, I suggest just trying to live with it for the time being. I'm sure you'll manage to make the best of living near such people, and I certainly sympathize. Those comparisons were….certainly something._

_So, best of luck to you, Cedric, and I hope nothing else goes wrong. Knowing your situation, something probably will, but try and look on the bright side. _

…_.though I'm not entirely sure what that bright side would be. _

_Yours sincerely, _

_Harry Potter _

Harry feels that that fits the bill quite nicely.


End file.
